chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
