There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
