dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
