I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
