I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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