someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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