Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
