His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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