Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
