After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
