make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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