Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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