i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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