i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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