i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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