you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
