I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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