yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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