when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
