i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
