Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
