she was so not down for the gang bang
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
