Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
