If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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