Screwed.edu
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
