i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
