Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
