You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
