Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
