she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
