my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
