When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
