shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
