I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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