He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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