Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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