My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
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Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
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So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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