YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How naked do you want me to be?
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