guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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