Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
