1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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