I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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