I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
