i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
