he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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