she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
