Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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