His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.