my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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