3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
