So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
