Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
