I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
