I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
