woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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